My Daughter has Cancer

我舉頭觀看你指頭所做的天，並你所陳設的月亮星宿，便說：『狗算甚麼，你竟顧念牠；小狗算甚麼，你竟眷顧牠。你叫牠比人類微小一點，並賜牠善良的心為冠冕，又有善良的主人終生為伴。』 --- 南圍詩篇

My most beloved eldest daughter, Dug Jai德仔, is diagnosed of malignant tumour (cancer) today.

Over the last couple of weeks, we discovered that she has been getting clumsy when going down the stairs. I did not think it was a big deal at all and thought it was merely an effect of age. After all, she has turned 12 in June. Then about 2 weeks ago, I started to notice that her right hand limped during a walk outdoor. The limping seems to be getting more serious gradually. I decided that I could not procrastinate any longer for a check by the vet.

Yesterday the vet observed her walking and jogging in the corridor, then did a hand check on her arms, legs, and the back of her neck. After that, he said, ‘I have bad news for you.’ He basically mentioned three possibilities: the first two involve tumours either on her right arm or in the nerve of her neck; the third is a wear-and-tear problem of her neck (something similar to what I had, I guess). I had to take her back for x-ray this morning.

Today, before letting me look at the x-ray, the vet made me feel the lump beside her right armpit. It’s big. ‘Massive,’ he said. Then the x-ray film explained everything. The tumour is definitely malignant, because only malignant tumours spread to other parts of the body, and this one has. I could easily see smaller patches in different parts of her body. Gosh, why didn’t I notice her lump earlier?

Given her age, the vet does not recommend doing any therapeutic treatment – taking away the large tumour by surgery only makes the smaller tumours grow rapidly; chemotherapy only makes the patient suffer too much while the outcome is not guaranteed. I just took some anti-inflammatory and pain relieving tablets to make her physically less painful if necessary. At this point, no one can predict anything. My beloved daughter may go relatively quickly – as her symptoms have just become noticeable quite recently, that can mean that her cancer is developing rapidly. Or she may live on for quite some time. ‘When you find that it has become too hard for her, you can ask us to put her to sleep,’ said the vet.

Putting her to eternal sleep at this point? No way. Dug Jai is still active, relatively playful, keen on eating, and fond of walk around. It is way too early to think of saying farewell.
Two and a half years ago, when Dug Jai just turned ten, I asked God to let her spend ten more healthy and active years with me. God might think that I am being ridiculous. Maybe I am. But I am not going to give in. After all, I have been wrestling and arguing with God over so many things over the years; might as well add one more item on the list.

As I have always believed in natural / herbal medicine myself, I have already identified a natural therapy approach for her, using herbal medicine. http://www.petmedicinechest.com/canine/discussions/tumorstext.asp

I am not at all optimistic in this case, but I am not going to abandon – not until I find that she is suffering more than enjoying.

Tears are set aside for the time being. I will do whatever I can to fight for her well-being. At least, I’ll try my best to make her life peaceful. She is my most beloved daughter for the last twelve and a half years, and she will always be.

(from my personal journal > 25 November 2004)

問我

問我歡呼聲有幾多，問我悲哭聲有幾多，
我如何能夠一一去數清楚？
問我點解會高興，究竟點解要苦楚，
我笑住回答，講一聲：我係我！


無論我有百般對，或者千般錯，
全心去承受結果；
面對世界一切，那怕會如何，
全心保存真的我。

----- 向黃霑(1941-2004)致意
>>> 我可以喜歡他，可以不喜歡他，但我不可能否定他在香港普及文化發展裡的位置

《爭分奪秒》的十大驕人成就

這陣子在香港做實地研究（套用人類學的術語，是進行田野研究），大條道理晚晚對住電視，話自己做本地普及影視文化的文本分析。最大樂趣，是看《爭分奪秒》邊看邊罵 – 嘩！成個場面設計照抄！ … 車！唔make sense！ … 唔係嘛！連堂景都抄埋 ！ …

平心而論，《爭分奪秒》其實好大膽。
1. 它突破了無線劇集多年來的人物關係例牌公式，沒有了『A鍾意B，B鍾意C，C鍾意D，D鍾意A』那種編劇自以為浪漫哀怨的所謂「多角戀」其實是令人煩到嘔的「多角亂」。
2. 它敢於營造一種令一般翡翠台慣性觀眾頂唔順的格調，絕不怕師奶觀眾轉台熄機。
3. 它把無線戲劇三十年來「抄」的傳統發揮得淋漓盡致，抄到入肉：除了基本構思和故事格局抄《24》之外，CIB總部成堂佈景都照搬人地的CTU反恐總部；除了人物設計抄《無間道》之外，大量場面設計甚至鏡頭調度都抄埋，餐餐都大牌當晒馬freeze action slow track，餐餐都黑社會大佬打邊爐。犀利！(又唔知點解大佬講數梗係要打邊爐，難怪咁大火氣！)
4. 它捨常見的主題曲不用而只用主題音樂，而且用《無間道》式的（模擬）人聲合唱；最厲害的是每次commercial ID (廣告前後的jingle)都急迫地由低音至高音唱：『拾下拾下拾下拾下拾下…..』，正好唱出了觀眾對劇中人的評價。好絕！
5. 它擺明車馬地宏揚佛法，尤其最後兩集，出現了不下五次「一念超生，渡人自渡」一語，全劇最終的resolution亦由此金句而來。最後一集出現了三個正邪人物在佛寺裡「與萬化冥合」的場面，更是香港電視劇非常罕見的對「超越」的嚴肅描繪 (serious representation of transcendence)。至於那是否真正的佛家教導，我唔識；不過是但啦，正如好多話係基督教製作，裡面講的是否真正符合基督信仰，我這個神學博士候選人都唔敢講。
6. 它甘冒破壞別國友好關係的危險，把泰國描繪成黑社會橫行當道無王管，泰國警察則是只懂跑來跑去任人點，兼且好鬼得閒隨時可以飛去香港媾仔。好勇！
7. 它讓我們認識到「死亡面前人人平等」的普遍真理，無論合理不合理，所有主要男角都在故事結束時死去或面臨死亡。好堅！
8. 它充份讓我們明白「人生荒謬，世事難料」的道理，所有人物的行為都沒有足夠可信動機 (credible motivation)，極力挑戰「情理之中，意料之外」這條編劇基本守則的霸權。而它對主流戲劇結構霸權最激的終極挑戰，在於它用來支撐整個戲的基本戲劇衝突（所謂大橋）是不成立的 – 那個李萬豪 / 鄭坤點解對那個王振揚副署長痛恨得咁犀利，冒自己生命危險都要搞到佢身敗名裂？他不是沒有足夠動機，而是完全沒有動機可言。縱橫江湖幾十年的老叔父，心理活動有如小學生。這做法完全顛覆了世界主流電視戲劇 （包括華語，韓日，英美，拉丁美洲）的敘事結構，絕對前衛！好激！
9. 它以戲劇的節奏告訴我們：正常來說，一天裡面發生的事情其實不會很多。於是，每集戲（一天的故事）觀眾大部份時間都是看著人物行來行去，想來想去，翻來覆去。它把一天的事情展現在觀眾眼前，讓我們明白，原來我們對生活不應這樣緊張，應該放鬆點，因為緊張都沒用，一切事情都可以無端端發生的，let it be！
10. 它大膽地起用一個反諷而充滿玄機的劇名（最初聽見還以為是遊戲節目）：看戲中人物，你絕對不會覺得他們在爭分奪秒，而是在盡力拖延時間。我默想了數星期，終於想通它的玄機：原來萬事萬物總有定時，爭分奪秒於事無補，急黎無用盞傷身；同樣，頻頻指出劇中人行為不合理之處也是晒氣的，佢點做就點做啦，關你鬼事麼！這份對生命最終極的洞悉，放到現實裡，就是要凡事看開點囉。好有智慧！

布殊贏了，世界輸了

布殊贏了，世界輸了。

今天明報社論標題：布殊連任，世界難安。正正道出了我心中的擔憂。

我從來沒有像今年那麼關注美國總統大選。就算多年前留學麻省期間，見證著麻省州長杜家麒(Dukakis)硬撼副總統布殊，慘敗而歸，片甲不存，一沉不起，都只是一絲絲失望。

今回卻是零舍肉緊，一直留意美國英國和香港的有關報導與評論，觀看直播四場辯論(連副總統一場都殺埋)。可能因為我隱隱感到，這趟事非尋常，影響深遠；也因為我感到，布殊實在唔係波。

我最難頂他老是拿著宗教旗熾招搖，開口埋口pro-life，family values，單純的美國保守派基督徒(和香港某部份)又以為佢講真，嘩，唔選佢美國道德淪亡喇。但其實正如我一位老友說，布殊政府到底為這些所謂道德議題做過甚麼？沒有嘛。(http://yamje.blogspot.com/2004/11/reflections-on-presidential-election.html)

美國倫理學者Peter Singer更妙，他的The President of Good and Evil (Dutton Juvenile, 2004) 說布殊才是當今美國最重要的倫理學家，因為他每次講話都含有大量道德詞彙，夠晒道德！既然講得咁響，當然不可忽視啦；不過唔知布殊本人是否一樣重視自己的道德言論囉。

布殊下下以自己為正義化身領導正邪決戰，他是正，全世界都邪，玩晒！人間世，有甚麼比替天行道更危險？
二千年前耶路撒冷的聖殿領袖替天行道，搞掂了妖言惑眾的耶穌。
一千年前羅馬教廷替天行道，十字軍東征血洗阿拉伯，種下停不了戰爭的禍根。
七十年前希特拉替天行道，清除拖累人類進步的猶太人。
廿一世紀布殊政府替天行道，炸平阿富汗揮軍伊拉克，拉登呢？大殺傷力武器呢？下次去邊度玩？邊度仲有石油任欏？

我另一位美國老友說，恐怕布殊當選令世人誤會美國人都支持這個德州牛仔。(http://yamje.blogspot.com/2004/11/sad-day.html)

我倒恐怕這不是誤會，因為他得到的大眾票(popular votes)雖然只是51%，但是票數達六千萬張，破了美國歷任總統紀錄。

新約聖經學者Robert Jewett與宗教學者John Shelton Lawrence合著，Captain America and the Crusade Against Evil (Eerdmans, 2003) 是美國神學家對自身文化的神學反省。他們說，替天行道，拯救世界的超人心態，其實深深植根在亞美利堅普及文化裡，由連環圖到電影，跟美國的公共宗教(civil religion)結合了，影響著國民心態與國家政策。

愛丁堡大學基督教倫理學講座教授羅邁喬(Michael Northcott)近著，An Angel Directs the Storm：Apocalyptic Religion and American Empire (I.B. Tarius, 2004) 則代表不列顛神學界對近年美國在世界上橫行的深層批判，指出布殊政府和美國人民深受一種錯誤的末世觀影響，失去了對絕對權力的批判。

A Sad Day --- 另一位華裔美國基督徒對布殊連任的感受

[飲者按：美國總統大選大局已定；我收到另一位美國老朋友的電郵，分享對布殊當選的極度憂傷；文中形容布殊政府自大，矇騙，自以為義，恐怕世人會誤會美國人竟然支持如此一個德州牛仔。承蒙原作者允許登載，照例保護當事人。]

Although vote counting is still going on, chances are we are going to get four more years of Bush. This has saddened me profoundly. In fact, I am so depressedthat I had to go out for a drink! (Don't worry, it's just a cup of tea, not alcohol.)

I have never felt so strongly about a presidential election. Anyone familiar with American politicsknows that there have always been fundamental and ideological differences between the 2 major parties, namely the Republican and Democratic parties. Without going into details, I suppose each party gets some ofthe things right. Therefore, in any other election, even if the person I voted for did not win, I was willing to give the other guy a chance to prove that whatever he has to offer the country will do us some good. But, this time is different. For the past four years, this administration has shown itself to be arrogant, deceptive and self-righteous to a point that it blatantly ignores the rest of the world. It is not even whether we win or lose the war in Iraq, it is howthe administration has handled itself.

I understandthat a lot of people (especially my fellow Christians) also voted to express their deep concerns about abortion and same sex marriage. It is good that they care so much about these moral issues in our society. I just hope that they did not just vote to make a stand and then forget about what we have to actually do to contribute to the world to make it a better place to live in.

Four years ago, this country did not know better. Now, we should know better in terms of what Bush can offer. I hope the world does not get the wrong idea that America is backing this Texas cowboy's way of treating the world. After all, it is another tight race. This country is deeply divided. I hope Bush gets the message that he is not appointed by God to run this country and that he should respect this contract that he has with the people of this great land. May God help us all!

(written by a good friend on 3 November 2004, posted with permission of the author, who prefers to stay anonymous)

一個華裔美國基督徒對大選的反思 Reflections on the Presidential Election from a Chinese American Christian

[飲者按：近期我一直跟兩位美國老朋友討論有關總統大選等問題，11月1日(投票前一天)再收到其中一位的電郵，埋身反省當地基督徒的選舉態度，裡面提到為甚麼他多年支持共和黨，但今次卻為民主黨克里作個人拉票，水準高超唔係野小！正所謂人點燈不是放在斗底下，現蒙原作者允許在此登載，公諸友好。當然，為保護當事人，人名教會名全部略去。]

At our church yesterday (Sunday), part of the sermon touched on the election. The intention was good in that the church is trying to encourage brothers and sisters to be more concerned about politics and to vote. The pastors/leaders are careful to stay neutral. They are well aware of the consequence of siding with either side, because in U.S., non-profit organizations are not allowed to push political agenda. Otherwise they will lose their tax free status.

But as evangelical Christian, our pastor still feel the obligation (their pastoral duty) to say that"moral issues" are (should be) the most important issues when considering who to vote for. Hint hint...abortion, homosexual issues, and hint hint, vote for Bush.

Attached to the weekly bulletin insert that was distributed to everyone at church were lists of political issues collected from CNN.com, AOL.com, CCN, etc. And the list shows where the candidates stand on each issue. The idea is that we can go through the list of issues, see where we stand on each issue. And at the end, get a count on how many issues we agree with each candidate. So if we agree on 20 out of 30 issues with Bush and only 10 out of 30 issues with Kerry, then vote for Bush.

And hint hint... as evangelical Christians we should place more weight on "moral issues".

After the sermon, I expressed my concern to a fewpeople, including a newly elected "elder" of our church. My concern is that this is an overly simplistic approach to deciding who to vote for. For one thing, Bush can say he is pro-life, but what has he done in the four years he has been president on this "moral issue"?

When asked point-blank during one of the debates whether they will appoint supreme court justices to over-turn abortion right, Kerry clearly said he will appoint justices to uphold the U.S. constitution, not on specific issues (hence, "no"). But Bush basically just danced around and gave his standard"answered-but-no-answer" type of response.

And Bush claims he is against same-sex marriage. But the Republican president, Republican-controlled House and Senate couldn't even get serious discussion going on constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. What has Bush done on this moral issue?

During the RNC (Republican National Convention), Bush campaign was so concern of appearing "too much to the right", they didn't invite conservative Christian leaders to speak or to the RNC itself. These poor Christian supporters of Bush had to gather and pray for Bush privately in a nearby hotel room, away from the cameras and the public.

Is this the "moral" candidate that we should support? This is not as simple as checking off on a list of issues.

While I am concern about moral issues as well, I am more concern, in this election, about the fundamental differences in "world view" of each candidate. I feel that Bush and his gang of ultra-rightwing, and self-righteous advisors are extremely dangerous, not just to the U.S., but to the world.

I heard on the radio the other day that someone said Bush should never have been allowed into the White House and should never be allowed back into the White House ever again. I feel maybe it is more important that ultra-rightwing folks like Donald Rumsfeld(defence secretary)and Paul Wolfowitz (deputy defencesecretary) should never have been allowed into thePentagon.

Knowing that Massachusetts is not a swing state andthat Massachusetts is very much knocked up in Kerry's camp, I spent some time today "sharing my thoughts"with some colleagues at the office who are NewHampshire residents. Hoping to win over some undecided. New Hampshire, as you know, is still in a tight race. Hope to do something, in whatever small way I could, to help Kerry's campaign :-)

I started forming my political views during the 80's and I was very Republican. I thought Reagan was great, and his supply-side economy saved the U.S. economy from the oil crisis. I hate big government and as a young Christian I sided with the conservatives' moral stands. But now that I have my very first opportunity to vote as a new U.S. citizen, I am voting against Bush. Not that Kerry is my ideal candidate. I am anti-Bush.

Just one more day... I am glad it will be all over soon. It has just been too much anxiety.

As always, wish you are here to chat with in person instead of writing emails.

(written by a good friend on 1 November 2004; posted with permission of author who prefers to remain anonymous)

論文第二章

這兩天正部署自己的能量，進入論文第二章。

早前寫過的第一章，是我的研究議題的基本理論處境(primary theoretical context)，審視歷來從神學與宗教角度研究電影的討論，以及這方面自從2003年以來的走勢。

第二章審視實戰處境(practical context)。可以說，這次在香港坐定了個多月，到現在才開始我真真正正需要在香港進行的功夫。按時間規劃，我應該要在今年之內完成這一章，同時要規劃好跟著幾章的大概內容。時日無多。

過去四個月以來，認真面對評核議會各老師在口試時給我的意見和挑戰，腦袋日夜翻騰，重新思索論文的總路向和命題。那段日子，看書找資料不管用，完全是自己面壁思考的功夫，所以我看的書離奇地少，四處刮料的時候更少，怕思路給外圍因素搞亂檔。其實到目前仍是翻騰未止，但我在寫好了一個修訂計劃之後，電郵了給麥佐人老師，就不斷努力的叫自己要暫時忘記它，否則難以繼續上路。

各位老師給我的最高難度挑戰，令我要致力思考這論文對當前香港 / 華人 / 東亞的重要神學課題有甚麼貢獻。如此一來，神學上的跳水台高左，難度分又高左；我有信心跳的好看，但係無信心跳得中水池。好驚跌死。